Moody

I guess it's just one of those days (or the time of the month) where you feel like nothing is going right and there is so much uncertainty in life that makes you want to cry. I been in such a bad mood that I keep yelling and crying... and I don't know what's wrong. So many things are going on and I really don't want to face it. I want to be stronger. I know what needs to be done yet there is no motivation. I am probably in denial of all the changes to come. I hope in the end I become a better person but for now I will to hide in my bed and forget my worries

Draw Something

I love this game! I was a total addict but people stopped playing so I only play w my bf sometimes now. These are some that I drew and saved. Totally regret not saving all of them! I might have more... It's all drawn with fingers. I end up buying a stylus but I get too lazy to use it. Enjoy!!

 I am so proud of my Golem! I spent a long time doing this since fingers are not your best friend!

Ode to chocolate

One thing I feel very guilty about is chocolate. Is it normal to have a crazy amount of chocolate constantly at my side? Hm I think so. So today, I'm going to share my love for chocolate through random pictures on my computer. 

Oh and my preference for chocolate is always DARK . My prefer range is around 70% plus. Love fruit in them like raspberry and strawberry and pretty much most berries. (not really blueberry). Fleur de Sel caramel is my  new fav. Ganache, hazelnut are delicious! Favorite brand is Godiva but will eat anything yummy. Another fav is Recchiuti.

Made these strawberry chocolate mochi for my mommy's birthday yesterday and realize I have been paying a whole lot of money for mochi fml. They were so easy to make I feel cheated by Japanese food now. I LOVE Godiva dark chocolate dip strawberries and according to my bf I seem to be happier eating the chocolate than I'll ever be with him. I probably have a picture of those Godiva strawberries somewhere but couldn't find it.

 Chocolate souffle. I am on a roll. Again, realized how much money these French restaurants are earning from me fml. If I can make it and it taste good, I refuse to ever pay for it unless I have some terrible craving and I'm too lazy make it. I made this for my mommy's birthday as well since she loves souffle and it turned out very yummy!

Bf went to Recchiuti without me! :( but came back with their hot chocolate so I guess I can't complain. It's extremely rich even for me but I still love it! I prefer their chocolate like the Fleur de Sel! Sigh I was quite sad bf didn't buy me chocolate. It is not too expensive if I recall and they have all these cool chocolate like wines and tea. Located in SF!!! Probably you can order it online

 I got this at Trader Jo after seeing the world dark chocolate. It was delicious as well

 I wanted to make dark chocolate salted caramel but turns out the recipe I was using was for truffles. Tasted not bad. It was just Ghirardelli chocolate 

Ahhh Christopher Elbow. Their chocolate are crazy expensive but godly beautiful. But very yummy! I want to try their hot chocolates

There was a groupon or living social deal for an online store and made bf buy for me for vday (No shame). Plainly too beautiful to eat. Chocolate was so so because it was a mix of milk white and dark.

I think it was Vday and I also had the bf buy it. AHAHA. Maybe it was Mother's day? I don't remember. @ Paris Baguette, San Jose

Ah Schuberts! One of my fav SF bakeries. This was a blackberry chocolate mousse I think. 

Hello Godiva! Yay! These days I just spend crazy money on their limited edition. It was back few springs ago and The blackberry one was divine!

 I loveee vita soy and I was overjoyed to find dark chocolate in HK. It was gooooood!

Recchiuti again. The lovely hot chocolate with fresh marshmellow and my beloved chocolate. I miss it so much!

Flavored Kit Kat. I love love love dark chocolate kit kats but why AMERICA do you have to make it limited edition? Thank god for Japan. Too bad so damn expensive. Luckily I found an European source AKA Cost Plus World Market. The strawberry is too sweet for me and green tea too but I actually love green tea so I can take the sweetness

Tea room in San Mateo. Had to try their salted caramel dark chocolate.  It was okay but I guess I like dark chocolate salted caramels. Heh

I thought these were so cute! Too bad even more expensive than designer chocolate so all I did was stare. Sf downtown

 More Christopher Elbow. <3

 Unrelated but soooooo cute! Hehe. Android toys that I totally adore. I even started a blog on them but these days too lazy. http://android-365.blogspot.com/

 Mmmm lava cake. I recalled it sucked. I need to try a recipe.

Baby got this for me~ It's great to have a bf who supports my chocolate-ism. God it's good too bad messy to eat

I sadly (or happily) have more pics somewhere but please go out and eat some chocolate!!! Gives you endorphins and make you happy! I seriously justify myself for eating chocolate every time. Especially that time of the month. I get sooo guilty afterwards >.< I think I am more willing to splurge and spend on chocolate. Have you seen the price of Godiva? I use to get a box like every other week and kill it so fast it's not even funny

Moral of the day: EAT CHOCOLATE~ 

Dreaming

I used to, hmm back in 2003, kept a dream journal. I was having de ja vu dreams, like I dream a scene, like in a car, and a VERY similar thing happens in real life, like the same exact scene with the same people and someone said the same thing even though the outcome was different..... It was hard keeping track since you forget your dreams and takes a lot of strength to stay awake and record it but I guess I'm into these dream stuff.

 I do a lot of reading on google and take ideas how to interpret my own dreams. Some people say don't think too much of your dreams but there are people who say that dreams is your subconscious and probably is like your intuition/six sense in life. I guess for girls it's like WE KNOW if your bf is lying or being unfaithful or we see signs of things going wrong. In other words sensitive to things. I knew something was very very wrong with my previous relationship and kept feeling very upset and unsettling and it turned out it was cuz he cheated fml. Or see my friends having problems just by the way they are acting and little signs. I guess it's like I feel/sense people being different and subconsciously know something is going on even if I can't always pinpoint it. Anyways, I feel the same way with dreams. They may lead to some truth in your life and maybe get to know you and other people around you better through a deeper part of your brain. Before I sleep stuff I been thinking about or ignoring usually pops up in my dream so I feel that dreams are very in sync with your life. Well I think I gave up somewhere along the line but these days I remember my dreams pretty well. And I had this crazy dream.

So I just came back from a party and thinking back I think this was trigger by my friend. I'll talk about the dream and interpret my way. It's all just random interpretations but hope you think a little deeper about your dreams.

So in my dream, my friend say A, was drunk and he starts getting too close and starts kissing my neck and hugging me. I try to push him away and part of me likes it. Guess a little attraction IRL. He tries to kiss me and I push him away. Then he is with another friend, a girl E and E tries to get close but I get jealous and tell her to go away. Then A starts flirting with me and giving me a lot of attention. Tries to get close and we have some conversation I cannot remember but opening up to each other. We played some iPhone game together. We were at the flirty stage of a relationship where we are giving hints and playing games. More like he was totally in love with me (haha) and I was hesitating but wasn't saying no. WELL my bf is in the dream. So I feel super guilty in the dream the whole time and I thought I catch my bf buying me Vday items. (yah it isn't even close to Vday but just go with it) But I was mistaken and was sad. Then I see A and my bf together really friendly and they were getting me stuff. BF getting me a card and stuff animal and A getting me a sandwich and is super sweet. I was like why would he go for a taken girl? And he's like he can't help it and feels miserable but still want to try to get with me. I keep feeling he will give up since I'm taken but he is persistent and I won't 100% reject him becasue I like this attention and passionate determination. So then my friends realize I'm interested in him too and E comments no wonder you didn't want me to get close. I feel so confused and miserable in my dream and wake up.

So it's not the first time I have these types of dreams of cheating. I always never kiss another guy in my dream no matter how tempted I am. And I will feel like cheating but never do like most is hugging extremely close. I am certain in dreamland I know I am a taken girl and won't go any further than kissing but is tempted by the flirting and attention and FEEL TOTALLY GUILTY the whole time.

Google searches on cheating dreams will tell you your subconscious is telling you A) unsatisfied B) unhappy in relation C) Wish fulfillment dream (as in something you want but will never have, like dating a celebrity). D) you like the person. The list goes on and you can look it up if you are interested.

My interpenetration: I know it's not wish fulfillment since this is someone I know. Probably a mix of ABD for me. So lets go back to reality. During the party my friends and I were messing with drunk A. I admit I am minimally attracted to him since he is tall and not bad looking but I know I love and have a bf. So he got really drunk or we say "wing" and us girls were abusing. Well anyways I was being nice by rubbing his back and then he lies on my lap. I guess a little spark or closeness clicked. Not to mention that there was always on my part a feeling of attraction but like very minimal. I feel some from him too. Not that I will do anything and he will either but I guess if I was single I would be interested. Usually my intuition isn't that off. So that's D working in my dream.

So back to my relationship. I am pretty satisfied and happy (tho we got into a bad fight recently and have what I like to call scars on my heart) with my bf. I been with him for like 4+ years now and we may fight, argue but make up and work hard to keep us together by appreciating each other. We talk about the future, plans, thoughts and ideas. So what's wrong? I guess I always feel like I jumped into the relationship too quickly. I missed the chasing stage where we flirt and do silly things for affection. Some say it's the best part of the relationship, playing games and just have crazy attraction. My bf was probably a rebound. I was very hurt in my previous relationship and felt emo for like half a year. My ex played these "games" with me and got me super stress, unhappy, happy and confused. I agreed to go out w my bf even though I was not 100% over with my ex to get away from him and it was the best thing I did. It's not that I didn't like my bf back then, he was a great guy and a great friend (totally would friendzone), I just didn't feel ready and he was patient but I was so cold and heartless to him. I gave in to his persistence, how much he liked me and to get over my ex. I never wanted to get hurt again and he was one of the nice guys that girls don't usually date but I guess he felt safe. Those are not good reasons to start a relationship. I think we worked cuz we have lots in common and I am a hopeless romantic while he was madly in love with me. He slowly grew on me and we are happy now but we missed the fun stage of the relationship because of my evil ex.

So therefore, I have dreams of having the chasing stage of the relationship with other guys even though I would never cross the line. I doubt I can do this in real life since I am VERY faithful and HATE cheaters. So these dreams really bother me. I totally told the bf and he isn't worried and tells me he will totally chase me again if that's what I want. <3 LOVE HIM!


Dreams are mysterious. Don't know why we have them really but I feel like it helps me connect with... me and find problems in my life to make it better. Don't know if I'm over analyzing but having a bf who will work with me to ease my doubts is great. And I don't take most of my dreams seriously. Many do not make sense. Maybe there is some deep meaning but who knows? Sometimes just enjoy it.

Urban Outfitter

Made this order when they had their sale with 10% off and free shipping and return. I rarely shop Urban online since the shipping kills. I do love the store but most pieces are hit and miss. The quality is sometimes lacking for me but some are trendy. Although they looked nice, a lot of the pieces I will return.



These floral shoes were super cute. Quality was meh. At $15, I would have kept it but it was too small. People commented it runs large so I sized down. Oh well

 The sweater feels a bit cheap but looked cute. Too bad it was too short on me and made me look fat. At $20 I am returning it.

Feather extension $3. I wanted to try out the new feather trend and it was cheap. I have mixed feelings about it still. I'm not really into the Native American inspired trend. Like minnetonka, fringe, feather etc. but it might be a fun accessory and it's cheap! Kept.

Total disappointment! It looked much longer online but it was a crop top. Even so it was a super wide crop for a S. I am so returning this even though I am madly in love in mint. It was $15 I think.

Infinity scarf $14. I wanted a teal one but it sold out when I tried to order it but coral looks nice. It doesn't look good on hanger but it's super cute on and I know I said I don't love fringe but the scarf turned out okay.

Today debt:  $17

Total debt:  $72


Oh and I tried pan frying raw avocado. Not bad. Just some ingredients: butter salt sugar pepper soy sauce. Just mix and match

Waitlist #44

I knew I should have NOT apply. I was accepted to many schools and was set on the east coast. I tested my luck with a more difficult school here in the west and I was invited to interview and BAM wait-listed since Feb. So I kept my hopes up despite having no clue how many are on this list or whether these people were all desperate like me or do I even have a chance or should I give up. Holding off plans for east coast and hoping and wishing that I can be close to home. Well it all came crashing down today.

The official ranking was suppose to be in mid-May but guess they were early this year. From forums, it said that you have better knowledge after second deposit which is mid-May. I HATE how the stupid school led me on. I think wait-list is total BS if there is like at least 44 people on it, hopefully probably more fml. It's the stupid school's way of ensuring a full class if people drop out. The class is 90 max so there is no way 44 will drop. My only hope is if a good amount on wait-list and class drop but that seems impossible.

It's a tricky situation for me as if I'm moving across the country I NEED to plan. Get a car, find apartment, find roommate, pack a whole lot of clothes, buy a whole lot of new stuff. I am terrified of the snow and living without any family or friends. I do love the school and think I'll enjoy my time there but just will miss my family, friends and mostly le bf. Good experience for me to grow up but I like my bubble! West coast would have been much easier transition, just a road trip away...sigh

I think things happen for a reason. Like during high school, I was only accepted to my 3rd choice and was devastated. But my experience there allowed me to be closer to my best friends (or not), find my bf even tho I got my heart broken, meet some amazing people and had fun during college. Not that I won't anywhere else but I am glad to have met my bf so that was worth it. I hope this college would give me an unforgettable experience and land me a job.

But east coast.... man, 3 hour time difference isn't cool. Guess it's time to load up on snow gear.

Makeup- Revlon

So I had makeup and skincare stage where I spend so much money. Looking back I rarely use the products and some are not getting any love :/ I probably spend so much that I could have gotten a Chanel! (probably not but a good amount) I could throw away a hundred to try some products that I might not like. ALSO I feel like my phase ruined my skin and made it sensitive. I now stay away from most cleaning products and put bare cream and eye cream. Nowadays I try to stay away from spending too much and just buy things I will use. I don't buy foundation and if I need it I will try to get sample or drugstore. I stay away from mascara since my lashes are so thin, I rather use falsies. Most used for me is blush, eyeliner and eyeshadow and maybe lip products. Thus keeping track of spending again.

I heard great things about these Revlon lipsticks and stains. Saw a buy one get one half off at Walgreens and decide to try it out. The lipsticks were $8 and stains were $10.  I LOVED the lipsticks but the lip stains were disappointing. I didn't love it since it seem to go on uneven and so expensive! I will still use it but not a fav. The lip butters are great because it's very moisturizing and is like a very tinted lip balm. I think I'm done with lip products for now. (Hopefully)

Total cost $40
Debt: $40

Walgreens gave me free samples. I will probably never use it though.

I use to buy lots of lip products but it gets in the way of kissing so I stay away from them. I stick to stuff that don't come off like Revlon colorstay lipgloss is a fav.

I do use designer brands but now I really don't have the extra money to buy it and actually use it religiously. The only thing I will spend $ on would probably be eye concealer and eyeliners. I really need to organize my things and throw some out even if it hurts. I wish I can sell some stuff I used but it seems so unhygienic.